On Eve(Februa)ry (read: on Every February)
When in February, while the Pisces moon involved. February is indeed a full bloom in love, as well as happiness besides everything happening.
It will always seem like that, for me, at least. Maybe because the valentines in it? I don’t know. I remember when in my 19 years era, yeah, well, every year is a new era. Not like, “new year, new me” type of way but like “fuck it, what am I gonna be for this year? What do I want to achieve? What am I gonna do?”or “Ok, I’ll obsessed with something this year and no ones gonna stop me!” (in a positive way, obviously).
Everyday is a new beginning. An obsession with freedom, no more pointing north, no more hoping.
On every February, I've got a war in my head. Sometimes I want to sing, sometimes I want to play the guitar without singing any song, just melodies. But, it was fun anyway. I enjoy it.
But one thing…
Oh god, seriously, it’s so hard to maintain my motivation and constantly doing something that I have in “love-and-hate relationship” with.
Yes, Writing. It does something with Art in general basically. /meanwhile, me majoring in art. I don’t really now how to be persistent with something, or maybe I’m lazy and making too much excuses. Internally, self-motivation sometimes comes and goes like, I can’t even feel it. It drawn me everytime thinking of it, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t sick of it. Insecurity does involved. “I’m not doing good enough.”, “I don’t think I could even make it.”, “It’s gonna be worse than I could Imagine as it should be.”.
I know it all just “what-ifs” questions and believe me, I’m very aware of it.
Oh, to be addicted with no-fears-of-failure personality. Are everyone thinking the same as me thinking that way?
I’m writing this on my Birthday. It’s 1 AM in the morning as I started write this looking at the “The Beatles” clock that my close friends gave me on my 17th birthday, on that day, in the hotel room, with all of my high school classmate girlies while we went to school trip, somewhere in Bandung, 2019. And we talk about the horror lift and the graveyard besides the pool at that hotel back then, haha.
“The Beatles” clock hang there precisely on the wall in my room, It’s 01:17 to be exact. February 19th, 2023.
Oh, first thing. I love Birthdays, I adore people that have their birthdays on February. I basically love love LOVE February. I never feel sad in February. If it does happening, it would gone like no other months have done. Non-sense, It doesn’t make any sense. Sometimes, I wonder how I landed in this beautiful month. It could be like god trying to give me love and feelings that I never know it was meant to me and I know it’s exciting. Even February.
Life update time. I now currently working on a new “nine-to-five” job that does make me feel like I’m busy or not busy enough to do something in between. Although, I’m on my holiday after final exam this semester, I still couldn’t get the timeline with the workload. It’s been how long I’m not writing and publish something in here? like around 11 months from March, 2022. Oh god, it’s closely to one year. Well, I could maintain the every year story that published yearly though. Writing daily was hard. I could make this on every months but I’ve got plans to do, and I’m thinking that it is not very exciting to do that. I just wanna published when I feel like it. At least something was documented, whether in a video or words like this. I’ll keep writing forever, and I don’t wanna end this. Sometimes, journaling, writing basically, it is one thing that could make my life sane after everything that just happened in real life. Although, I still have so much thing to work on too. I have to start to organized my plans really well prepared properly this time.
To be really honest with you. There is no exciting update from me. It is just my mind and the thoughts like it was.
These days, I’m planning to be more focused on my self more and my closest ones. My older brothers, Mom and Dad, My family. I wanna spent time with them, and more with myself. Self-care as it is, doing something I like, playing guitar and constantly learning a lot of songs and discovering new music that I’ve been listening to (Fyi, I’m now interested in French Indie Music nowadays), record lots of music with the new Electric Guitar! oh it is indeed very exciting for me. And especially, waiting for a new next project on Arctic Monkeys Indonesia. I think that my mind and thoughts are still on the previous events, re-evaluating things that I do when I involved with the project. Well, on the other hand, I also have my own project but I think I will hold that after March next time. Lots of things to work on for my project and it’s still a mess, disordered. I can’t stand still thinking of that. So, if my mind is busy, my life is getting busy too. But, you knoww what? Apparently, it feels lonely sometimes.
It’s hard to believe that you realized you’re lonely even if your friend is still around, your bestfriends always text you, and even though you had lots of unread messages, tons of work, plans and everything, but you, yourself, you can’t talk to anyone about anything and everything going on in your life. Again, it feels like even if you think about something that you used to be excited everytime you feel like it but no one couldn’t understand everything so you don’t talk to them about that. In particularly, they seem like they don’t really care or even wanna know. It’s hard to live when nothing is clear. There is no in between. I know it wasn't easy but I went through it everytime. I belong to no one who belongs to everyone. Well,
As Jane Birkin says, “But, Who wants an easy life?”
Sometimes, I prefer the other way. Sometimes, I don’t. Mostly the last one.
2023, 19th of February
02.31 a.m
Happy 21st birthday, Putri, I know you need to hear this and I want you to know that I do love you. For. Ever. Don’t forget to sleep early. Xx. Why Kimo is so cute?